Cup of Faith
For whatever reason, I've been prompted to share this story a lot over the past week. I woke up and realized there's at least one other place I'm to share it.
A couple of years ago, I walked out of something pretty heavy and difficult. I was literally taking it one day at time as far as answers and direction were concerned. I was incredibly unpeaceful, dissatisfied, and questioning. My mind was racing constantly with unanswered questions and most of them revolved around the question of whether or not a god could exist. I just knew that if this one question was answered, then I would really know and could get on with it. But then there was another question... and another... and then I had my first revelation: they were never going to end.
On the flip side, pursuing God was an incredibly fulfilling endeavor. When my mind would settle for those milliseconds, I would have incomprehensible peace.
But my mind was driving me crazy. It was racing all of the time. For one, I hate the thought of looking stupid or believing something naïve. For two, I love to be in my head and that can be a problem; I've always felt safe there. Unfortunately, my mind was no longer a safe place. It was being "tossed by the wind" as they say. Every new thought and question was controlling my mind. It was pretty miserable.
One day I had finally come to the end of myself (all good beginnings start that way), and I realized I was never going to have all of the answers, which to you may seem obvious, but to me was a great fear exposed. I just remember thinking, "Okay, Keely, you're going to have to decide. You can spend your whole life questioning, never satisfied or you can choose to believe and finally settle into the peace you've been feeling all along. Because at the end of the day, maybe you'll look stupid, but at least you will have had a joy-filled and peaceful life." And that's what I chose. I chose peace.
I'm still naturally inclined to question, and don't get me wrong, I think questions are important. My approach was just so wrong. In myself, I could never have all of the questions answered because I didn't have the answers and really no other human did. When you're partnered up with Love Him/Herself, you just get a new kind of adventure that brings a new level of security in the unknowing. My first step was having to be okay with not knowing, and crazy enough, I had the most inexplicable and intangible knowing of all.
"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." Let what's moving on the inside of you guide where you end up. I've learned that's God.
And most importantly of all, let Him/Her show you who He/She is. Don't be turned off by who others say that is; that's just unfair to both of you. I think you'll find someone better than anyone ever let on.
x Keely
Photo Story: So this is a little project my littles and I have been working on. It was a Christmas present from her Pappy, and we have the honor of watching these caterpillars go from just that to butterflies. It's been fun to check everyday and watch them grow. I feel like this process has been really symbolic to what faith looks like. True to form, I went into this little project wondering if it would even work, thinking I probably got a bad batch or was going to blow it somehow. It's been a surprisingly emotional development for me to watch. I don't know what the caterpillars do and don't know, but I like to see them as having no clue how much they've grown in the past few days. They've seen themselves shed their old skin, but they don't have the privilege to see from my view and how very different they are from the beginning of this process. They also have no idea how close they are to turning into that next beautiful thing... Do you think they even know what comes next?
