Peering In: Harley Becker
Peering In is a section of the blog where guest writers come to share their voice.
Harley Becker is a beautiful person and writer. She's a spunky go-getter, and I've loved getting to know her over the years. She has self-published two books that you can find for purchase on lulu.com: Control and The Magic Box. She's wonderful. Now, to the fun stuff, here's Harley:
For the past few nights I've been waking up at 3am, like clockwork. I'm not sure why or when exactly it began, but it is becoming a trend I am not too fond of. I usually find it hard to fall back asleep. My mind trails off to the good, bad, ugly, what have you: to the episodes in my life I call 'taking it like a champ', certain fears. Most of my fears deal with some sort of rejection, which I find ironic being a writer. Writing, however, is something I've done since...well, as long as I can remember. I was lucky enough to have family who would read everything and support whatever strange ideas I had coming out. It's a great feeling, like, my first fan club minus the hats. That support, although wonderful, has caused me to have bad relationship with disappointment. As I got older and took my writing a bit more seriously I always felt somewhat condescended by the half-hearted compliments and pats on the back. When I got into my late teens, I had a lot of big opportunities, HUGE opportunities, that I always seemed to blow off for whatever fun thing that was NOT working on that project. I kept thinking back to being that 9-year-old blondie holding a black spiral bounded book my mom got printed at the UPS store with my name on it. I felt stupid, like I was more driven in elementary school than I was when I needed to be. I let it get the best of me, for a few years at least.
When Keely asked me to write something for her I was beyond honored, she's such an inspiration to me. I was also a bit lost at what to even begin to write about that would fit into her blog. But after she asked me I, of course, woke up at 3am with a heavy sense of disappointment as I stared at my next book lighting up the room from my iPad with only a few paragraphs written. I started it 4 months ago.
The funny thing about disappointment is it's only caused by your own expectations. I think some kind of monk or priest or something has probably said that way before me, but it sure holds true. I expect more than is realistic of myself. I think we all do. You're always gonna be disappointed, whether in yourself or someone else. The important part is that you never stop caring; whether about that certain person or yourself or the project you're disappointed in. Never stop caring about the things you love, even if they let you down sometimes.
